I am not doing what I should be doing right now. I am procrastinating. I am in this overly anxious, uncomfortable mood, where I just can’t get things done like I should. I have not gone to the gym yet this week.. What is that all about? Instead, I have just stayed up, reading blogs and chatting online. I have lost track of time, so I haven’t been going to sleep at a reasonable hour, and I have not been keeping to 3+2+5 because I actually have forgotten to eat. Now, I am not eating bad things, but I am not eating enough. I am anxious, tired and irritable. Why? While I want to say it is PMS< I think it is more than that. When I was a young girl, I had one friend. Not friends, but one, single best friend that I adored. I didn’t play with anyone else or have interactions with other children. (Long story). Well, like many friendships, we drifted apart in middle school. She was hanging with a different crowd. I was going to go to a new school. These things happen.
However, for me, it was one of the greatest losses of my life. I really loved this person. When we stopped talking, I swore that I would never let someone get that close to me. The problem is, I made that promise when I was 12 and I have kept it. I have never since had a girlfriend that I was this close to. Sure I have friends who are women. I appreciate them. I love speaking with them and I even love being their confidantes. But, in my case, I never open that door to them. Now, I did get lucky in the sense that I had family and of course my sweetheart to rely on, so I haven’t been a hermit all these years. They do a great job. But, I mourn the loss of this one friend. I have been stewing on it. So, like many of the issues I am trying to overcome, I decided to bite the bullet and attack it. I reached out to her on a social network site. She was really happy to hear from me. She is married, has a few children and still lives nearby. She wants to meet tomorrow night for dinner and drinks.
I am terrified.
All of these emotions from when I was 12 are in my heart. I don’t even remember what caused all the hurt anymore, but I sure do feel it. But at the same time, I feel such love. So weird how people that imprint your life, imprint your heart. What if she thinks I am a big, fat loser? Why do I even care what she thinks? UGH!! But, weather permitting, I am going! I think I need some Angry Elliptical to get all this feely stuff out of mind. Work, end soon so I can go to the gym.
UPDATE 2/5: It snowed, so we pushed out for a week. I went to the gym, worked on weights till I made funny grunting sounds, and cleared my head. I hope this doesn't mean I will be in a funk now for a whole week, but I think I feel better already. Fingers Crossed :-)
I am 36 and have been overweight for most of my life. There are much better things that define me, but till I work on this weight, it is the stinky fart in the room. So, I write this to keep accountable, to find inspiration in others, to rekindle the joy in myself.