Thursday, February 4, 2010

Crisis Mode- Trying To Get My Head Out Of My...

I am not doing what I should be doing right now. I am procrastinating. I am in this overly anxious, uncomfortable mood, where I just can’t get things done like I should. I have not gone to the gym yet this week.. What is that all about? Instead, I have just stayed up, reading blogs and chatting online. I have lost track of time, so I haven’t been going to sleep at a reasonable hour, and I have not been keeping to 3+2+5 because I actually have forgotten to eat. Now, I am not eating bad things, but I am not eating enough. I am anxious, tired and irritable. Why? While I want to say it is PMS< I think it is more than that. When I was a young girl, I had one friend. Not friends, but one, single best friend that I adored. I didn’t play with anyone else or have interactions with other children. (Long story). Well, like many friendships, we drifted apart in middle school. She was hanging with a different crowd. I was going to go to a new school. These things happen.

However, for me, it was one of the greatest losses of my life. I really loved this person. When we stopped talking, I swore that I would never let someone get that close to me. The problem is, I made that promise when I was 12 and I have kept it. I have never since had a girlfriend that I was this close to. Sure I have friends who are women. I appreciate them. I love speaking with them and I even love being their confidantes. But, in my case, I never open that door to them. Now, I did get lucky in the sense that I had family and of course my sweetheart to rely on, so I haven’t been a hermit all these years. They do a great job. But, I mourn the loss of this one friend. I have been stewing on it. So, like many of the issues I am trying to overcome, I decided to bite the bullet and attack it. I reached out to her on a social network site. She was really happy to hear from me. She is married, has a few children and still lives nearby. She wants to meet tomorrow night for dinner and drinks.

I am terrified.

All of these emotions from when I was 12 are in my heart. I don’t even remember what caused all the hurt anymore, but I sure do feel it. But at the same time, I feel such love. So weird how people that imprint your life, imprint your heart. What if she thinks I am a big, fat loser? Why do I even care what she thinks? UGH!!
But, weather permitting, I am going! I think I need some Angry Elliptical to get all this feely stuff out of mind. Work, end soon so I can go to the gym.

UPDATE 2/5: It snowed, so we pushed out for a week. I went to the gym, worked on weights till I made funny grunting sounds, and cleared my head. I hope this doesn't mean I will be in a funk now for a whole week, but I think I feel better already. Fingers Crossed :-)


  1. I'm sure it will be great to catch up with your old friend, I envy your bravery for reaching out to her!

  2. I understand how you feel. I had a friend who I considered my best friend for about 6 years and she suddenly started to change. We stopped talking for close to a year and reconciled back in September for a short period. While it hurt for the friendship to end (both times), I at least got closure and finally felt like I had done everything I could.

    I hope your meeting goes well and I really admire your courage in taking the first step.

    Thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog!

  3. I know how you feel too. I don't get close to women very easily.
    Your situation does sound very possitive though. Just keep in mind that you were only 12 and when you are that age, you think differently. The rationale is quite back to front.