Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Am NOT Just Background Noise

In reading Jules post (BigGirlBombshell), and then linking back Carla's post (MizFit), it seemed fitting to set some truths in place.  I need to be honest to myself and honest to the people around me.  I have to do this, even if it means others are affected or lost along the way.  The gloves are off.  I am not just background noise.  I am sharing this truth with all of you.

This week, my heart was challenged.

Someone close to me accused my Sweetheart of a physical attack.  Sounds horrifying.  It was at a party a few weeks ago.  He apparently hugged a little too close and a little too long for this person's comfort level.  I am totally ok with communicating that a personal boundary was crossed.  However, I am not ok with the idea of someone waiting several weeks to say anything.  In fact, it makes me question whether there was any issue at all.  This was a public embrace, and no one who witnessed thought it was a bad thing or even something to be noticed.  Just her.

We have all been friends for years, and she should have known better.  She should have had better instincts.  Instead, she accused someone dear to me of doing something completely unlike his character.  Instead, she replayed a simple, friendly embrace over several weeks in her head; making it something that it wasn't.  She made herself a victim in a victimless situation.  She decided to recruit sympathy within our circle of friends. 

My Sweetheart is mortifyed.  He tried everything in his power to appologize at even the hint of malpractice. He has no idea how a friendly hug could be contrued as an attack.  I, however, am just furious.  He deserves better.  I could not keep silent.

So, I confronted her.  I told her how I felt.  I told her I felt strongly that she had a problem.  Being her friend, I know she has intimacy issues in her past: something she has shared with both me and my Sweetheart.  I am nothing but sympathetic to that issue, but not when it is used to tarnish the reputation of a trusted friend.
I told her that I had 0 confidence in my ability to continue our friendship.  I do not need all of my friends to be best of pals with my Sweetheart.  However, he is a good man.  Anyone who cannot see that or would try to convince others that he wasn't a good man, has no place in my life.  I stood my ground.  I find that I do not mourn the loss of the friendship. I do, however feel sadness that I thought she was a friend for so long and I was mistaken.  I feel sad that she may ruin her ability to have any real friendships.

In that moment, I never realized how tough I am, and how much I need a certain calilber of friends in my life.  I don't know if I would have been this brave if this had happened 12 weeks ago.  I think I would have just stewed in silence so I wouldn't make waves.  I would try to work hard to just 'fit in'.  I would have just caved in from my feelings so her thoughts/behaviors/feelings took priority.  I would have eaten my feelings.

Most unexpectedly, my Sweetheart thanked me for supporting him.  I never realized how much that would touch me, but it did. 
Support, especially in the face of something awful, is just so essential.  He supports me so well on this weight-loss journey, and I am just tickled that maybe I can reciprocate.

So, that is my truth for today.  I am a tough bird.  I don't take sh*t.  I require good people.  This knowledge in hand will definitely help for these next 12 weeks ahead.


  1. Yay, Girl! Sorry this happened at all, but you handled it exceptionally well. No reason to let a Drama Queen ruin someone's reputation. Glad you took a stand.

  2. Oh my goodness! What an accusation to levy on someone. I am proud of you for sticking to your guns. Way to go girl!

  3. Yes! No matter what the other situations, drama, reasons, YOU took care of YOU! You stood up for what you believe in! That is what the journey is to loving yourself. Friendships come and go and sometimes we don't understand why they do what they do...but we will always have the relationship with ourselves and taking care of that is important....Proud of you!

  4. chills chills chills at your words about support in the face of the awful being be so important.

    Im proud of you, Woman.


  5. WooT! I'm proud of you. You did good. It really is amazing what you can do when you put your foot down and stand up. Awesome.

  6. ugh, what a terrible thing to have to go through. good for you for finding your newfound strength and speaking up! you should be very rpoud of yourself.