I am not so ok-Pity Party

*i need to vent, so if you are tired of reading whiny posts, come back another time..  Cheers.*

I have been in a funk.  So, planning my wedding isn't so much fun.  My mother isn't happy for me and I can't get over it.  It is heartbreaking for me.  While I have surrounded myself with positive people, it isn't the same as having your mom on your side.

As for my eating, it has been horrible.  The stress has triggered all kinds of disordered eating.  It is odd this time though, because I know as I am stuffing my face, that I am doing something incredibly wrong...  and yet I do it anyway.  I find I start the day OK:  I eat a good breakfast, I have a cup of tea...  then at about noon, I find some sort of snack, and then dinner is meh.  I have no excuse.  I even prepare healthy choices so they are right in front of me, but I keep making a right turn into path of destruction.  Grr.  I have even let good food spoil, in favor of total shit. 

So, with this, so has gone my half-Marathon.  My lovely job has decided to send me to Singapore, despite time off of work booked, so I am going to miss my OBX Marathon..  I am really bummed.  I trained hard.  I feel defeated.  I am too bummed out to look for an alternative race.

So, I just weighed myself, and I am 223.8.  This just sucks.  No progress in weeks...  I need to snap out of this, but I am just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Meh.

Post 3- Driving Miss Doofus

I had to run out this evening and go buy some slacks that fit for work.  This is an exciting thing!  I got to try on some stuff in yet a smaller size.  I am officially a petite 16.  Score.

Today was a trying day.  My soccer team lost: dear Arsenal. 

I walked around NYC, and went to Eataly, so I could check it out.  Very cool.  And my favorite chef, Lidia Bastianich, was walking around the store with her mom, Ermina and granddaughter!!  Love that woman.  Her food rocks, her restaurants rock, and her cookbooks are easy to follow.

So, despite all things related to eating, I did not snack.  Not once.

We made our drive back to NJ in no time, but by the time I was home, I was hungry.  I noticed that driving while hungry was a problem.  I found myself taking the 'long' roads home, so I could pass by my favorite pizzeria, my favorite sandwich shop.  Each time, I had to chant, 'going home'  to stop me from charging in and getting something decadent.  I finally made it home and ate something, but I feel so out of control.  What a waste of gas.

Why does food have such a hold over my brain?

Association Football = Soccer = Win

Sweetheart and I are die hard football fans...  Sorry, let me clarify:  we are soccer fans.  Association football is the world's most popular sport, except in the United States, and I am never going to understand that.  It is so much more fast paced and full of strategy, compared with other sports.  The players are incredible athletes:  fast, agile, aggressive..  just awesome. (yes, I like American football as well, just not as much)

So why do I talk about this here:  fitness.  Soccer is fun and easy to play.
"According to a survey conducted by FIFA published in 2001, over 240 million people from more than 200 countries regularly play football.  While football has the highest global television audience in sport, its simple rules and minimal equipment requirements at amateur level, have no doubt aided its growth in terms of participation." (link)

So do Americans play?  Yup.
This is one of the few sports where a pick up game is more readily available and organized than any other sport.  So, I did a little digging.  Within 10 miles of my house, there are 9 separate soccer clubs that offer amateur league play for all ages.  So, Sweetheart's birthday is coming up, I am signing him up for Soccer lessons.  It will be a fun way for him to play and get ready to start into a league. It is also a way to get in that exercise without being the same ol' stuff. (Shh, don't tell him)

Post 1- October Accountability

This month is game on.  I set a date for my wedding, finally.  You guys are privileged to be the first to know, as we have only told our mothers.  My mom was non plussed and his mom was thrilled.  It was what we expected.  We are getting hitched on September 10, 2011.  That is 9-10-11, for those of you who can't count.  I have learned a few things so far:  Weddings are insanely expensive for stuff that I just can't comprehend.  I am paying for the whole thing, as Sweetheart isn't working, and I am not getting any volunteers from my family.  I am trying to set a budget that I can live with without killing myself.  I live in NJ, which isn't cheap.  So, we shall see what happens!

This just gives me another carrot to dangle in front of myself to keep going and keep eating well and keep accountable.  It also gives me some stress. 

So, I will be counting my blessings/ counting my posts this month.  I should have 31 in the end.

As for this week, I have not invested enough time in writing down what I eat.  I will correct that today.  It is important to see what you put in, or at least it is for me.  If you ask me what I ate yesterday, it is somewhat foggy.

I haven't been running according to plan.  I need to get that long run in this week, or the half-marathon is out.  I won't be able to catch up.  I have been training hard lately though.  I have been swinging 20 k kettle bells like they are going out of style.  As a result, I now have serious guns, generously protected by wings of flesh.  I sure do hope that some of that skin shrinks in the next year.  It ain't pretty.

I have found lately that I am far more critical about my appearance now that my body is changing.  I find myself picking at myself more than I ever did when I was at my heaviest.  It's funny:  I think then, I just gave up and accepted that my body was big and that was ok.  I even felt pretty, despite my size.  My version of fat acceptance. 

So, now that I have rejected this fat, I am really not pleased.  I find more things on me I want to fix all day.  It is amazing how you never get to a level of satisfaction.  I have complained about something on my body, or found myself picking at myself in front of the mirror every day.  What is the opposite of vanity? Is it Reticence?  Is it self-deprication?  Stumped.  Either way, it isn't positive thinking.  That was the whole point of getting healthier:  to be positive.