Hating the Fatties

I never thought I would do this, but I am starting to find myself to be over critical of people who are fat.

Example:
I have a consultant working for me and I find myself constantly checking her work.  Why?  Cause she gives me the lazy vibe.  Yup, she's fat.  She sighs a lot when she shuffles through the office.  She takes extra breaks because she smokes.  Her clothes don't fit well, so she looks disheveled.  She is constantly snacking at her cube, or getting up to get snacks or drinks.  Productivity appears lower than other staff. 

While all the above is true, she also does the workload that has been presented to her.  I have not been dissatisfied with any of the results she has provided.  This being said, I keep thinking that she could be doing more.  Really, she just pisses me off because I used to be her and could easily be her again.  I want her to do better, because if she can't, maybe I can't either.  Self doubt is a real Bitch.  I wish there was something I could do that was somewhat professional, where I could give her the hint of moving and eating less.  I know there isn't, cause how self-righteous is that?!  But, I still want to.

Example:
I took a training class this week with one other person.  She was slow.  Yup.  She was fat.  But she wasn't that far off from my current size.  Still, I was not interested in waiting for her to catch up.  I really didn't want to work on her success.  I just wanted to do my thing.  The point of a group training is to inspire one another.  I wasn't having it.  Instead, I kept thinking this chic is just too slow for me.  I hated the class, as a result.  I ruined my own workout, which normally gives me such joy.  Well, maybe not joy, but it lets me burn off all my excess asshole anger.

So, here's to trying to lose my own bullshit.  Today, I am hateful.  What an ass am I....

Working Out My Self-Anger

So, I am pretty pissed at myself now that I see how much I have been slacking.  I need to get my head out of my ass.  To counter this, I have been using this new found anger to kick my own ass.  As Awesome trainer Debbie is no longer at my gym, I tried a semi-private group class.  I left totally bored.  I thought that it was supposed to keep some personalization to it.  Otherwise, it is the same as walking into a class offered at a big-box gym.  I hated it.  Luckily, I did not pay for it.  I also think I am really pissed at the owner who let Debbie go, so I am finding reasons not to like it.  I am not ready to give up the goat with the place yet, but we shall see.

So, I called Debbie.  I have been dying for weeks to train with her.  As she is awesome, she said she was working out for herself and said I could come..  How cool?!?  I am training with my super cool trainer...  TOTALLY MOTIVATING.  We worked hard.  I hurt this morning and I couldn't be more happy about it.  I felt pushed and worked to that 'oh shit' point so many times and so many sets.  And we laughed.  And we cursed.

I know this sounds funny, but if I can't easily bitch through the hard parts of a workout, it isn't fun.  I never (well very seldom) say can't or won't.  I do the reps I am told at the weight I am told.  But I will curse through it.  More cursing = Better Workout

Hopefully, I can stay pissed enough to blow through some serious burn over the next few weeks. 

Reading a book: Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.  I bought it about a year ago and blew threw it.  I don't remember anything I read, so I am giving it a go again.  Anyone else read it?

Is My Bottom Below Death?

I read this saying in a post.  Some people don't hit their rock bottom.  Their rock bottom is below death.  As in, they just keep slipping till they just die.  Is this me?

Can I survive one hour of exercise a day so I can avoid 24 hours of dead?

Can I eat just what I planned, and not snack on disease and disappointment?

What the heck man?  I keep making promises to myself that I am terrified I won't be capable of keeping.
Why is can't I get over my own bullshit.  What is this compulsion of mine to EAT EAT EAT!!

I am not really a double post daily kind of gal, but I am just feeling raw.  I need an outlet.  Not sure where I am going with it yet.

Not Quite So Fat Tuesday: Not Enough

Last year, on Fat Tuesday, I weighed 255.5 lbs.  Today, I weigh 228.3.  Any loss is a win, and I value that piece of my health returning to me.  But really, that is 27.2 lbs in a year.  I can do so much better.  I think I am looking at this all wrong.  I have been measuring total loss across the journey, but that timeline is getting longer and longer.  I am stretching out the time to my goal way too thin.  This is my life: my whole life and I am fudging around with it. 

No more half way, regardless of pain, illness, weakness.  Anything I do to make myself healthy will make me stronger.  Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

So, for Lent, I give up the gluttony of excuses.  This will be the hardest Lent I think I am going to ever have.
I need to get over myself, and quick.

In other news, I finally told my father I am getting married.  He has been distant with me for about 2 years, ever since he has had money problems.  He seemed somewhat happy for me, but his depression clouds his expression of emotion.  He lost his health, and couldn't keep up with his finances.  The US is fundamentally cruel to our seriously ill.  He is another motivation, as I just can't stomach the idea of being him:  super strong, then annihilated by a heart attack.  My former invincible Dad has to sleep all day on Wednesdays and Sundays, so he can gather the strength to go to work and sit at a desk for 8 hours.  God, I wish rest was enough.  I know his lack of support effects my stress, but I need to use this event for good.  Sometimes even negatives need to turn to positives. 

While I Was Out... Running, India, Taj Mahal, e coli

I have had every desire in the world not to write on this blog.  I have breezed in a few times over the last 60 days to watch all my favorite players, but I have basically laid low.

So here is my catch up:  I've been running...  a lot.  I am still impressed with myself that I haven't caused any weird injuries and have been keeping up.  My trainer Debbie quit my gym and I am conflicted about it.  She was 'let go' because of personality clashes between her and the owner..  This makes me like the gym less, as Debbie is awesome.  She of course, got another job right away, but it is far from my home.  I don't know if I can realistically join there and be consistent.  I have to create wins for myself and I definitely don't need another excuse, like distance, to avoid being fit.

I also went on a pretty life changing trip:  I went to India for three weeks.  New Delhi to be exact.  It was like landing on another planet.  I have never seen such wealth and such poverty all at the same time.  Both tips of the scale made me incredibly uncomfortable:  one, because how do you live with yourself being so excessive, and two, how do you not do everything in your power to improve your circumstance?  But at the same time, when did I become so judgemental?  Clearly, as an American, I believe in people driving their own destiny.  This is totally the opposite of what I found in India.  There, there is a strong belief that the Gods put you in your station in life, and that is where you belong.  I could go on and on about the caste system, but its probably better you read about it on your own. 

While there, I did take a trip to the Taj Mahal.  I mean, if you are going to India, you have to go see the Taj.  So, here it is, in all its glory.  I learned some interesting things there.  Indians like to take Westerner's picture.  I think I am in at least 20 Indian's vacation albums.  I am like a space alien to them:  blond, and white as the driven snow.  I had women pet me like a dog and children touch me to see if I was made of marshmallow.

Eating in India is a real conflict.  Most dishes are vegetarian, but you can get some nice chicken and shrimp entrees.  I tried to stick to the vegetarian, which I thought would be the best prepared and also the most healthy.  I was wrong.  Many vegetarian dishes are full of gravies and oils and clarified butters.  They are heavy and sit your gullet.  However, they are yummy.  I have a new appreciation for cauliflower that I never thought I would get.  I also have a new appreciation for sanitary conditions.  During my last week there, I got violently ill.  I have not been that sick in all my memory. It was like my body hit the eject button, continuously, for 5 days.  Note to self:  e coli is nasty.  Cipro is brilliant.

Despite keeping up with my fitness and 5 whole days of expelling all possible nutrition from my body, I landed home on Tuesday and weighed 236 lbs.  This was a wake up for me that I just need to get back on a real schedule.  I can't continue to have crazy diversions in my diet, in my sleep, and in my stress.  My body just can't hack it.  I have been religious since I landed in my food intake.  I'm still a bit sick, so my exercise is a bit muted, but I am getting there. 

If India taught me anything, it is that I am so much more greatful for what I have, what I believe, and what I can become.  I am recharged.  I am again ready to make things happen for myself.  Look out, here I come.

Resolutions Fail. Set a SMART Goal.



As you all know, I believe in SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely). I realized in the last few months, that I lost sight of this.  I slacked off because I wasn't reaching for anything.  I didn't have any goal in mind or in sight, other than 'don't be so heavy'.  That is not enough.  It needs to be something I can reach out and taste and it needs to be in a time period that doesn't seem like it is so far in the future that I won't see any wins in the near future.  I need wins people.

So, is my goal to lose xx lbs of pounds in 2011?  Nope.  Is it to run xx miles?  Nope.

My goal is to train for the next 15 weeks for a half marathon.  April 17, 2011, I will run the Unite Half Marathon at Rutgers University.  To do this, I am going to follow Hal Higdon's half-marathon training program.  I will measure my performance by completing the required miles, strength and cross training regimen.  I will document my fitness progress on Daily Mile.
I will continue to use HMR program to eat around 1200+ calories per day.  I will document my food intake in my journal.

Separately, I will also begin to weigh and measure myself once per week, to track ongoing progress.  However, the numbers here are not part of my goal.  My feeling is my goal will produce results as an after effect, because really, my long term aspiration is to be an athlete, and not to be thin. 

I have a younger brother who is a collegiate, record-setting runner.  He is like a lung, surrounded by long lengthy muscles.  We couldn't be more different in physique.  Well, at least at the moment!  Watch out world.  Here I come!

Christmas Card List

This is as close as I get to the Naughty and Nice List:  who makes it on my card list this year?
I go through the address book and dutifully identify who gets and does not get a card this year.  However, it is a bit more detailed than just that. 

If you are off, then it is pretty clear that you suck... or at least at the moment you suck.

If you are in, then it really depends what kind of card and greeting that you get.
Are you close to me?  Do you get a detailed note from me?  Do you get the Merry Christmas greeting with blessings?  Do you get the more generic, Happy Holidays? 

Are you more traditional and need a more nostalgic picture on your card?  Perhaps you are more jovial and the wiener dog wearing the Jingle sweater is sufficient?  These are hard choices and hard times!  My stamps are at the ready, ready to pounce on the correct combination.

Which one would you want?  What would you want the greeting to be?

At the moment, if I were to write a Holiday greeting to myself, it would be:

Dear Missa,

You have had an incredible year.  While I know you have had your ups and downs, take note that you have made significant changes in your life.  I support you all the way.  May next year bring more of the same.

Love,
Missa xoxo
(I would choose the Wiener dog in the Jingle sweater)